What do you want...really?

It hasn’t happened yet. As I write this, I’m 48 years old (but feel like 28). I have four children still at home and a wife of 27 years who loves me very much. I have a little software business I started 17 years ago that has paid the bills, but nothing to speak of set aside for retirement. I’m a composer and musician with a pretty good band, but we can’t quit our day jobs to go full-time so we play at festivals, fundraisers, and coffee houses when we can and record on a shoe string. My family attends a church that the kids love, but it honestly doesn’t really feel like home. We’re not depressed or sad – we’re actually very grateful and content for now because we’ve been in much, much worse situations. All in all things are pretty good. Which is why it’s all going to have to change.

Over the years I’ve been taught many things (books, television, seminars, and even churches) and have found that a lot of it really doesn’t work out in practical experience. Life has a way of making liars out of us. Even my own beliefs have changed and changed back again so many times that I’m left with more questions than answers… but I’m finally OK with that. But a few things that I have come to believe grow stronger and stronger in my mind and my life as I see them play out in reality over and over:

• I believe – heck, I KNOW -- that everything you want requires some kind of sacrifice.
• I believe that every success requires risk (and it’s essential counter-part… faith).
• I’m beginning to believe that the best way to seeing your own dreams come true is to help fulfill the dreams of others.

The book of Proverbs, wise sayings largely collected by Solomon, says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Hmm… what are the “desires of my heart”? Does the Lord give me what I want, or does he give me the right desires, and THEN give me what I now want? Wait – why am I focusing on what I WANT? The passage says I’m supposed to delight in THE LORD… my wants are not the issue. I have to really, really, really, really believe that my deepest desires will naturally be fulfilled – by God Himself – and stop worrying about that and start thinking more about what makes God happy.

So what makes God happy? Well, if God is our “father”, then maybe I have a clue - what would make me as a father happy? Seeing my kids grow up to become joyful, loving, wise, successful people who have a positive impact on the world – that would be a nice start. Quite the opposite of the family in Harry Chapin’s class song “Cats In The Cradle”:

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then.

Self-centeredness really is destructive. The “Me” Generation left us millions of selfish land “mines” – careful where you step, one of them may explode. I've been one of them. The way of love – the very way that Jesus himself taught – is the opposite of that. When I cross paths with someone who really knows how to love, I don’t fear an explosion for having violated their territory; instead, I feel invigorated, more alive than before I chanced upon them. I feel loved and want to pass that love along. I feel more ALIVE. I want to be the kind of person who breathes life into others by my love... God's kind of love.

I'm struck by the question "What do you want...really?" A character in a film or play is driven by what they desire, both secretly and openly. The choices the character makes reveal who they are and drive the story of their life. What do my choices tell about me? What kind of story am I living out? Could it be a better story? If so, how? What do I want... really? I know what I say I want, but what do I really want down deep in my heart?

I think this is a question that can't be left on the coffee table to collect dust... do I really delight in God and actively partner with Him in the things that bring Him joy? Do I really want to see His kids full of joy, life, peace, and growth - do I want that so much that I invest my time, money, creativity, etc. to see that happen?

I started asking this question almost two years ago - this blog post was really written back then and has been adapted to now because this must be the lesson God keeps repeating until I get it and can move on to the next lesson. What do I REALLY want? And... what am I doing about it?